48 hours after I jumped out of a still-moving vehicle, blind with rage and thinking in white-hot arcs of electrical static, I was sitting in my office with my head in my hands, shoulders shaking, tears falling. 1pm today.
Today is Maggie’s mother’s birthday. In the midst of an argument with Maggie over tonight’s ill-conceived (in my opinion) plan to meet her and her family for a birthday celebration at 6pm at 207th Street in Inwood, Manhattan, Maggie asked me what my problem was.
On the surface, it was:
- Her brother is always fucking late.
- It’s a 56 minute subway ride from my office to 207th street.
- If I go, they have to take two cars, and I don’t want my kids riding in the car with my mother-in-law driving.
- It’s a fucking Tuesday evening, the kids have school, and why don’t we just do this on the fucking weekend (how about on Saturday, which is my birthday?”
But as as I started to answer her, a massive wave of sadness swept through and over me, and I started crying. Because in the end, I just wanted my family back.
MY mother. MY father.
Stupid, sick fucks. It’s been over five years since we had to call in the police to stop the harassment. Five years since we were getting faxes warning us to look around when we stepped out of the house. Five years since my father wished me dead in the harshest possible language.
Borderline personality disorder. When it locks onto you, you better fucking duck.
And we did.
But they’re my parents, and I love them. And in the midst of this immersion in my in-laws, with my birthday on Saturday and my father’s on Monday, I just wish he could unlock himself… ratchet down and defocus.
But for Borderlines, that’s pretty much impossible.
Two days ago I jumped out of a still-moving car. Maggie had asked me whether or not I was mad at her for painting the inside of the house. It was a huge expense, with money we don’t have, and I answered honestly. Yes, a little. And with her Mom living with us, dealing with her brothers, etc., I felt like I really want to do something for myself.
So I told said, look, I’m getting that tattoo, okay? This is the tattoo I mentioned a long time ago…. the one that originally was going to say “Be Love” but at Renn’s brilliant suggestion became “Even you.” I’ve wanted it ever since, on my forearm. Maggie has overtly disapproved, because it’s below the sleeveline.
She said: “I’m not going to approve.” I said “I don’t want to approve, I just want to hear you say “I heard what you said.” She accused me of playing a power game, to force her to say something that she doesn’t want to say. I said: “No, I don’t WANT you to say that you approve, or condone it, I just want you to say that you heard me.” She told me I was being manipulative. In turn, I thought SHE was playing a HUGE power game, for refusing to say this.
And I lost it. I screamed at her to stop the car, and jumped out before it was stopped. I was out of my mind. She drove off. It’s hard to explain how this ramped up so quickly. It just did.
Much fury and causing-dogs-to-bark later, Maggie suddenly realized that ALL I WANTED was for her to ACKNOWLEDGE something that I’ve wanted to do for, I believe a YEAR. As soon as she said that, the firestorm ceased, replaced by a bit of shame and a lot of “Holy fuck, what was THAT?”
Back to now. Right now, I want so much to feel angry at my parents. I’m sitting here, on the train, wishing for rage. But it’s not here. There’s just sadness.
Love to all. Even you, blue.
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I have no words, only cyberhugs. Wish I could do more, sweetie, to ease the pain.
I wish I could give you a hug. Just trust me you are doing well, and I approve of your tat 100%!
Love ya man!
dude.
there’s so much I want to say. but, like po, I have no words. (does that make any sense?)
hang on. just hang on.
I have faith in you two. Rock on.
*I* hear you about the parent thing. I totally get the sadness….
I think just as we are wired to seek out a connection to a higher power, we have an intrinsic need to be connected to “where we came from”.
It is a hard, hard thing to be angry with our parents. It is hard to not be connected to them.
I honestly don’t know if that gets any easier babe.
Good thoughts for you, OK?
I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted to hug away someone’s pain as much as I do yours right now. Your dad sounds so much like your mom and I know what it’s like to have your parents turn on you, push you away, and all you want is to know they love you and they’re okay and you’re okay.
I’m very sorry you have to deal with this. I’m glad that you and Maggie are able to work through something like this with each other. It speaks volumes about the good, loving people you are.
Sometimes it’s way easier to be angry than to be sad. And when you know that there’s nothing you can do to change someone or get something that you need, that’s sad.
I’m sorry.
“even you” is brilliant, even when below the approved sleeve line. If you don’t have a super fantastic awesome tat artist that you love (and I’m sure that you do) shoot me a line and I’ll give you the name of a great guy.
about the tattoo… i heard ya. wish that was enough. about the parents… i gave up on TheDad a long time ago, with no regrets or ill effects. he was a sick man who didn’t want to get better, but that’s me.
I’m going through something very similar to your argument with maggie with my significant other..I hear you. Hope it all gets better soon.
Ah, Rich. I’ve done the let me out of this car thing. Long walk, high heels. Yeah, my anger was my companion as I stomped down the street. I’m sorry for that issue with you and Maggie, but glad you got beyond it.
Love the tat idea. It fits you. And I’m glad you got the acknowledgement you needed.
I live with passive agressive parents. Well, I don’t live with them. They are safely in Indiana while I’m in Georgia. Nonviolent grudge holders. I steer clear as much as I can. I hurt for you, though, for your loss of your relationship with your parents.
Happy birthday, early.
I’m sorry.
Hang in there! I wish things could be better for you with your parents.
The only thing I can think of to say is what I have experienced with the loss of a family member.
The sadness comes from what you wish your life would be with that family member(s) and the experiences that will be missed with them. Having kids even makes it harder, because you can feel how they are missing out.
The fact that your parents are still here on this earth and are choosing this makes it even harder. I am sorry for the loss of the relationship with your parents, even if it is an unhealthy situation to be in, it is still a loss.
Happy Birthday - a few days early.
It is the most basic of needs — to be loved unconditionally by a parent. It isn’t fair when that doesn’t happen. and it doesn’t happen for many many children who then grow up to be adults who still long for that love, that acceptance. It stunts a person to be victimized in childhood, whatever the victimization. You get stuck emotionally, usually at the age where the awareness of the trauma/victimization began. I think you’ve done an amazing job of reconciling with what was missing from your childhood, but even those among us who have “worked on our issues” are allowed some moments where we still mourn the loss of something that never was, never can be. There is great pain there, my friend. Pain that can stop you in your tracks, that can take your breath away. Living into it is hard, but important. I am not a huge fan of the anthropomorphizing of the Divine, much less the reductionist image of a paternal figure for a Creator. However, one of the reasons I still embrace it as a valid, even vital, image of God is for times when our biological parents do not (cannot, will not) function as parents. You are in my prayers, and I send Light and Love your way.
oh and the tat sounds great! and cathartic.
I’m so sad reading this. You can’t do anything to change your parents, but OF COURSE you want them to act like loving, caring people. And even though I’m sure they love you, they cannot get past their own shit. It’s not a reflection of you - you’re great - but I’m sure it makes you feel terrible. As for the rest of it - I’m glad you’re able to deconstruct the layers of emotion and anger leading up to the fight. Big hugs to you all.
When sadness comes, acceptance follows.
There is no timeline for this, so don’t push it.
I am so, so very sorry.
For everything.
OK - here’s a BIIIIIIIG hug from this MOM! You make me want to “make it all go away” as a mother should. I have said before that I can sincerely empathize with you and I think venting, either by blog, verbal or other outlet is therapeutic. As far as jumping out of a moving car - I may have a problem with that one. Step back…and give ALL your love to those nearest to you (Maggie and children)…you receive more than you know by your kindnesses. The parents have made their own hell and must be comfortable there, a real shame…to miss out on such a fine family as yours - THEIR LOSS! WE LOVE YA!!