Championable | Love, parenting, politics.

I think it’s important to realize that the negatives in our past can, should, and do drive the positives in our present. In other words, by knowing what was wrong, it’s that much more possible to do what is right. The big trick, of course, is to make that that leap between experience and redirection.

Welcome to midair.

Love to all. Even you, he of the finest hair.

At my company, we have webcams. It’s a policy:

After thirty calendar days of employment, you have the option of a spot on the Cams page. You don’t have to have a webcam. It’s totally up to you. However, if you choose to have a webcam, it must be updated once a day, and the image should have a timestamp. You don’t ever have to be in the image. That’s up to you. No obscenity allowed.

I used to have the best webcams in the company. No longer.

Even when I go slapstick, my not-so-new employee always manages to be funnier and more interesting than me.

Today’s example:

Now, I think it’s a sign of great maturity that I’m able to gracefully accept that I’m no longer the leader in webcam silliness. Although… maybe… with a bit more broccoli, I can win back the title.

Lucky boss, me.

Love to all. Even you, the guy who talks down to people if he thinks he can get away with it.

NFH tagged me with her very own meme. It’s also, I think, my very FIRST meme, since I’m not that meme-oriented. But when NFH says “jump,” I don’t say “how high?” I fuckin’ jump.

Apologies for taking so long to actually get to it, but promise kept. I answered honestly, so apologies for the lack of humor.

What were you afraid of as a child?
Life. I was in a genuine state of panic from as far back as I can remember until I was about 24 years old. It’s a state partially known as hypervigilance. There are several periods where I was especially bad. Once of which would be when I was being subjected to daily body inspections by my father, which left me in fear all day, especially in the bathroom. Long story.

When have you been most courageous?
When I finally refused to do what I always used to do (and what I specifically was asked to do AGAIN), and take the blame for my father’s sociopathic behavior.

What sound most disturbs you?
Vomiting. I’m a sympathetic gagger.

What is the greatest amount of physical pain you’ve been in?
Nothing bad enough to mention here.

What’s your biggest fear for your children?
For all three of my kids, I’m worried about alcoholism. For my daughter, I’m worried about her being treated badly by men. Because men suck. All of them. Myself included. It’s just a lifelong battle against the natural male propensity to suck.

What is the hardest physical challenge you’ve achieved?
Quitting smoking. A distant second would be running a marathon in 80-degree weather. I almost said “quitting drinking,” but it was actually impossible for me to do when I wasn’t in AA, and when I went to AA, the compulsion was lifted.

Which do you prefer: Mountains or oceans/big water?
I like to be ON mountains and NEAR-but-NOT in oceans. So, I guess I pick mountains.

What is the one thing you do for yourself that helps you keep everything together?
Alcoholics Anonymous saved/saves my life. If I ever stop going, I’ll forget I’m an alcoholic and I’ll be completely fucked. So, AA. A distant second is running.

Ever had a close relative or friend with cancer?
Yes.

What are the things your friends count on you for?
Being funny. But don’t ASK me to be funny or I’ll get all whiny and “fuck you”-ish. I’m an excellent wingman, and I’ll step up to defend my friends whenever required.

What is the best part of being in a committed relationship?
Being able to raise children together, and seeing the impact that it has on them to have parents who usually dig each other. I think that when the kids see Maggie and I being affectionate, it profoundly affects their outlook.

What is the hardest part of being in a committed relationship?
Feeling like, basically, it’s already over so why fucking bother. Part of my psychology. Long story.

Summer or Winter? Why?
Summer. Because I need the ultraviolet light.

Have you ever been in a school-yard fight? Why and what happened?
Not really. In 7th grade, I slammed a kid’s head in a locker door after we’d be taunting each other for months. That was bad. He needed stitches. I turned myself into the principal.

Why blog?
Because I get to meet people in teeny little ways, and because it’s the only way I’m every going to keep any kind of journal.

Did you learn about sex, and/or sex safety from your parents?
My dad kept a lot of softcore porn in the house. Movies, playboys, old penthouses (monopede mania, anyone?), etc. So I learned from Penthouse Forum. We had a really lame-ass conversation when I was in my teens. One of those “do you need to know anything?” conversations that was awkward and useless.

How do you plan to talk to your kids about sex and/or sex safety?
I’ve already started. Mostly, I talk about respect for the body.

What are you most thankful for this year?
My daughter. She is everything to me. Being sober. Being a better husband this year than I was last year. Having two boys who I really, really dig. Maggie, of course. Basically, I’m thankful for my family, and all they sing, say, and do.

And that’s the scoop. That was interesting, and a little strenuous.

Love to all. Even you, the HR lady who won’t tell me the salary of the job.

If you are taking a bath, and you dare me to jump in with you, and you think I won’t do it because I’m fully dressed…

…you underestimated me. (Or perhaps, overestimated me.)

Love to all. Even you, the smarmy dude I knew years ago who is still - it turns out - smarmy.

Love to all. Even you, whoever thought a Die Hard flick should be released without the “motherfucker.”

Maggie and Hillary Clinton just had a lovely conversation.  It took place in the local Starbucks.  She has our votes, big time.  What a cool person.

Love to all.  Even you, the Mayor of 9-11.

Love to all.  Even you, the hesitant minivan.

It’s because she ATE MY PIE CRUST DOUGH.

Love to all.  Even you, Mimi.

I don’t know which makes me happier:

1. My son scored his first goal in ice hockey.
2. He got his first penalty.

I feel bad for saying this, but it’s kind of the latter. I mean, I’m really, really proud of him for taking that shot, and I’m SO glad for him that it went in… but I’m experiencing no small amount of fatherly pride with him for stepping up and getting a little more aggressive on the ice.  It wasn’t the fact that it was an illegal hit (nothing terrible, mind you), but the fact that he hit at all.

But about those pies..

I’m making three pies for Thanksgiving:  pecan, apple, and pumpkin.  Apparently, Westchester New York had a huge run on Libby’s pumpkin pie filling (and that’s the only one that I use filling for, thank you very much), so I’m going to a few other stores today to see if I can’t hunt some down.  Also light corn syrup.  Completely sold out.  I blame ethanol.

Today, crusts.  Tomorrow, the world!

Love to all.  Even you, the people who were being WAY too loud for a newborn’s ears.

Right now, I’m riding past the Manhattan Skyline on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. I still get chills when I see that, yes, the towers are still missing.

It makes me angry not only because of the tragedy itself, but because of the monumental fuck-ups that took place thereafter.

Let me make my point in a quesiton: If Iraqi insurgents flew airplanes into the Empire State Building TODAY, would NATO invoke Article 5? Would the world unite behind us?

No.

Love to all. Even you, Jay R.